I began writing SO IT GOES in 2000. It started out as a kind of pale imitation of Max Gillies' A NIGHT WITH THE RIGHT (I have delusions of adequacy). I started with Panky, Mr Pankhurst, my year 5 teacher. Panky was to be my first example of people in my experience who had been authoritarian right wing characters.
I'm not quite sure what the inspiration was but the germ of an idea crept into my head that Panky could be part of a play about my journey to 2 Til 5/Youth Theatre. The trigger for the transition to SO IT GOES I think may have been the trauma of my experience of trying out for the school choir in year 5. Panky was the choir master and choir was the closest I ever got in primary school to something approaching a performance experience.
I vomited out a fairly ordinary piece which was more PowerPoint presentation than play. I showed this to my friend Alana Thompson and we spent several hours discussing it over dinner at our place one night. Towards the end of the night Alana, demonstrating her capacity to get to the heart of any matter directly and succinctly, said to me: Barney go away and write A PLAY.
I can remember as clear as day that moment and how it transformed my perspective. Two crucial aspects of the final piece gelled for me that night. The first was the concept of the character of 2 TIL 5 who would act as foil to my reminiscences, to ensure that the piece didn't degenerate into hagiography. the idea of giving life to the theatre company i helped to create proved to be a master stroke.
The second was when and how you know when the time to move on has come and how you don't always act on this moment. I then went back and wrote the play. Crucially, the creation of the 2 Til 5 character was the catalyst in the development of what was to become the major theme of the play.
I have never considered myself to be a writer. Writing was something other people did. When I'd listen to "writers" talk about their work and their processes they would always talk about how a character quite often took on a life of their own, created and used their own "voice". I had looked upon this as just another example of writer's wank. How can something YOU create - in YOUR head, from YOUR imagination and YOUR experience, spruiking YOUR words - have a life of its own?
Well... it turns out it can. And it does. As I started to write 2 Til 5's words, he/it took off. Forget hagiography! 2 Til 5 had the shits - with ME, big time. I was the villain. I was the problem. I had been holding him/it back. This conflict between me and him/it provided the dynamic for the conclusion of the play. 2 Til 5 confronted me with my aging. I couldn't walk away from it:
"You wasted my adolescence and you stayed too long. And in the end what were you? Middle aged, out of synch, out of place, out of time.... Listen you can hear it. Electric clocks are silent. But you can hear it, ticking. Tick tock. Running down."
We opened in 2001 with Alana directing me. I can't describe the absolute sheer terror I felt prior to walking on stage for my first performance. I had always had stage fright. But this was extreme. A black cloud of anxiety commencing at the back of my brain and making its way forward until it became all consuming, blotted out calmness and any sense of accomplishment and confidence that my weeks of intensive rehearsal had prepared me for. Now self-doubt threatened to overwhelm me. What I was unaware of at the time was that the terror and the overwhelming anxiety that I felt prior to that performance was as a result of undiagnosed depression. The black cloud of anxiety which threatened to overwhelm me on that opening night had been with me for years. But it was made worse by the fact that i had not performed for years.
So why was I doing this? Why put myself through this torture? In an act that Sir Humphrey would describe as courageous, I had decided that along with the Night with the Right/2 Til 5 personal journey, I was going to confront a demon. Learning lines for me is like pulling teeth. It is a slog, a chore, an ordeal. But above all, the bloody lines won't stay learnt. I'm a hopeless improviser. I have to know the lines. I have to in order to get the rhythm of the line right. SO IT GOES was also intended as an opportunity to confront that demon - by doing a major one man show: no safety net; no accomplice to assist.
Saturday 19th November was the third incarnation of SO IT GOES. there was for me a lovely synchronicity in that ex 2 Til 5/Tantrum member Linden Mullard directed me.it was a fitting way to celebrate 35 years of the life of a theatre company i helped to start and which now has a life of its own.
So what have I learned from doing and re-doing this one man show? The most important lesson is that depression medication removes the black cloud of anxiety. This was the most assured performance I have given. Not without its mistakes but a measured and (I believe) strong performance. I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed immensely the majority of my time on stage, when I was "in the moment". I loved being in control - of myself, of my audience. Above all I learnt that I miss performing. When I started work at 2 Til 5 full time I virtually abandoned acting. I actually think I'm good at it. I'm actually thinking I'd like to do some more. I'm of an age when I could play say a Lear. Any offers?
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